Chaos Theory

One of the hardest things for me when it comes to parenting (you know, aside from breaking up the neverending sibling fights) is knowing that the whole time you’re raising your kids you’re also preparing them for the time when you have to let them go.

And really, you have to let go bit by bit as time goes by. It’s not just a big event when they leave home for college or move out to their own place though I can guess that’s huge. Honestly, you let go just a little bit on a day to day basis. The first time you watch them head off to school. The first time they go off to a birthday party where you weren’t invited to come along. Heck the first time they don’t need you to push them on the swings, the first time they take those first steps, the first time they turn away and don’t need to be nursed anymore. It’s all letting go and some of it is so easy and seamless you don’t notice it at first. Other times – like waving goodbye at school – it’s like a little knife in your lungs when you try to breathe with a big smile plastered to your face and tears that you command not to fall just yet.

That’s why sometimes you have to hold on to the little things, those little moments when they still need you. Sometimes those moments can be a nuisance at first glance but if you can remember they won’t be there forever you can realize how important they are to that particular child and to you.

With Hayley it happens the mornings that I volunteer at the school for the breakfast club. She’s not one to cling to me but on those mornings she sticks close to my side while I prepare the food. When she eats she waves and smiles at me frequently while I stand behind the table serving breakfast to her fellow students. Then the first bell rings and she has to get ready to leave and she suddenly comes over to me again and again for hugs. Sometimes I have to insist that she must leave to collect her coat and bags and get out of the way because she’s blocking the line for the bus kids who have only just arrived and who need to hurry to get a chance to eat before the last bell rings. Then I think of high school looming in the future and I wonder how likely it is that she would run to me for more hugs and kisses in her teenage years. That’s when I put the tongs down, apologize to the student waiting for an English Muffin, and I wrap my arms around her and I hold her tight before finally shooing her off to class.

Breanna is still more attached to me than Hayley but I can see her slowly growing further and further away from me just like all kids do as they get older. She doesn’t need as many hugs and snuggles anymore. She still wants to tell me every little thing and she still likes to snuggle up to me when she’s tired or upset, but she’s always been independent at the same time and that independence is growing stronger as time goes by. Sometimes I look at her and wonder where the heck my baby went. Then I remember this was the kid who started walking at nine months of age and so maybe she’s been stepping forward for longer than I’ve realized. On the other hand, last week George had an appointment that started before I’d get back from breakfast club so he took Breanna with him. While they killed time, they went to McDonald’s for breakfast. When they got home he told me that she had only eaten one of her pancakes because she missed me and she kept telling him, “I wish Mommy was here.” I swooped down to hug her and held on to that moment where she was still small enough to want her mom around for something as simple as breakfast.

They grow and they grow and they grow, and when they’re babies we excitedly write down all their milestones in their baby books (or our blogs) and we marvel at how fast they’re progressing. Later we realize how much they’ve changed, how far they’ve come, and we’re appalled at how fast time slipped by.

That’s why I have to hold on to the little moments in between and never forget them.

(Yes, I’m going to completely ignore the fact that I didn’t update ONCE the entire month of April. Ahem.)

Today I thought it was Thursday. Considering it’s only Tuesday, that’s pretty bad. Being off by one day is annoying enough, being off by two sucks. On the other hand I still have Christmas shopping to do so it’s good to keep from rushing forward too much, right?

(Christmas shopping. Ugh. The easiest way to suck out all my holiday cheer and joy is to set me loose in a store with other Christmas shoppers. One year everyone’s getting gift cards and hand-drawn cards, I swear.)

I was up at the school bright and early to help out with the used toy sale. I brought Breanna in with me and I was worried that she might get bored or have some sort of meltdown and I’d have to leave early. She ended up being perfectly behaved and had so much fun that she didn’t want to leave at lunch time.

While I was there I bought her a huge (HUGE) tub of MegaBloks because she loves those, and I also got her a book of Princess paper dolls and a Caillou storytelling game. She was really happy to bring them home, and with the 50 cents I had leftover she picked out a little bus and a Sleeping Beauty figurine (no surprise there, it’s her favorite Disney princess).

Hayely was ecstatic to see me (and my money) when she came in for her classroom’s turn to browse around. She scored big and with only five bucks she bought a little Barbie house, a Barbie horse, a stuffed turtle, a rubber frog (no, I have no idea), a necklace that glows, and a hair tie that looks like a poodle. Lucky girl!

It was so busy and so much fun to help kids find toys they’d like that the time flew by and I couldn’t believe it when the bell rang for lunch. I thought I was only halfway through my shift. It was a pretty good way to spend the morning.

Meanwhile Breanna drew a ton of pictures, played with some of the toys (then put them back on the tables), talked to the other kids, and felt like a big girl having her snack at recess. She would have stayed the whole day but she was more tired than she realized.

Somehow I managed to eat some lunch, do all my work, make supper, and then get the kids out for a 45-minute walk around the neighborhood to look at all the Christmas lights.

Breanna fell asleep like she was knocked unconscious when I put her to bed. Hayley is still up because that’s just the way she is, but at least she’s reading quietly in bed.

As for me, I’m having my tea an hour early so I can go to bed and pass out too.

Today I had a sudden urge to clean up in a major way. Unless these types of urges hit me at inappropriate times (such as 11 pm or 15 minutes before I have to walk out the door) I generally try to run with them because to be perfectly honest I don’t love cleaning. Our home isn’t filthy but it’s often messy and I do the basics because I have to, not because cleaning is something that I naturally enjoy (I hear there are people who actually do enjoy it. I think they may be certifiably insane, but I can’t be sure.).

In the end I washed the breakfast and lunch dishes, made supper, and washed those dishes. I didn’t de-clutter or fold laundry or dust or any of the things that floated through my head in the morning. Hayley went out with her aunt and grandparents and they were coming back to pick Breanna up in the afternoon for supper. In the meantime she had nothing to do and was bored and lonely.

Instead of cleaning I helped Breanna make some soap with the (kid-safe) soap activity kit that her aunt gave her for her birthday. Then she had a huge bubble bath that contained more bubble than bath – though she decided not to use her new soaps so that she wouldn’t ruin them.

After that she helped me make some scrambled eggs for her lunch and once I had eaten a couple of sandwiches we embarked upon an epic Wii extravaganza, playing some party games and then some sports. Much to my embarrassment she kicked my ass at bowling. In the worst of the games she scored 178 while I managed 119. And I swear, I wasn’t trying to lose to make her feel better.

As if it’s not enough that she beats me at bowling she also laughs when I miss a spare and trash talks me while I set myself up. Sheesh.

In the end, my kitchen is clean. My living room is tidy as long as you don’t look at the fluff and dog hair and other things that spring up on the carpet at will. Beyond that, laundry still waits, papers are still unfiled, and my bedroom still resembles a warehouse more than a haven of great sleep.

But I don’t care because I made my daughter laugh (even if it was AT my expense) and we had fun. That’s more important.

Normally I’m a quasi-Olympics fan. I like to watch them but won’t go out of my way to do it. I keep track of how Canada is doing, and if there are athletes competing that I particularly like then I check up on how they’re doing as well.

However, with the 2010 Winter Olympics being held in my own country (albeit at the complete opposite end!), there’s a certain level of excitement that I can’t ignore and I’m really looking forward to watching – and hoping that we don’t end up an embarrassed nation. There’s nothing more sad than the host country doing poorly!

In particular I enjoy watching the aerial skiing, alpine skiing, luge, and figure skating. Hockey is always fun too and seriously, Canada should totally win at that one so here’s hoping.

Today the Olympic Torch was coming to an area that allowed me to go and see it. I didn’t follow the torch route (though I might have for part of it if the kids were older) but the four of us went together to the end of the relay route to wait for its arrival. Yes, we kept Hayley out of school; I felt like it was a historic event that was really important for her to see and we wanted to see it as a family.

It was REALLY cold. It wasn’t technically that bad, but with the wind it was nuts, especially just standing around. Luckily the kids were well bundled up.

They also had a stage set up with some entertainment, including these guys who played drums and got the crowd all hyped up.

And then finally, after a lot of shivering, and after Hayley got to the point where she was just really cold, the Olympic Torch showed up. With it came a huge surprise for me. I had looked up the path and the destination and the schedule for the torch but I never looked to see who was going to be carrying it. It was mostly because I had figured it would be a local person I had never heard of. I was so excited when I found out it was being brought in by Josee Chouinard who is one of my favorite Canadian athletes.

I wish I could have gotten closer to take a picture without all the chains and stuff, but it was really packed. Still, it was really exciting to see the torch and to see her. I shouldn’t have been surprised since I tend to cry at the drop of a hat, but I was actually a bit unprepared for how emotional the whole thing was. It was so amazing to be there and I’m glad we got to go.

Next on my list of things I want to do to show my support – I desperately want the official red Olympic torch bearer mitts!

I know that today was probably not quite as exciting for Hayley (Breanna didn’t care, she was just happily playing in the snow the whole time) because of her age, but I think she’ll be happy to look back on it when she gets older and knows that she got to take part in a historical Canadian event.

It’s not uncommon to – even involuntarily – compare your kids to their parents. Is she more like Mom or more like Dad? When it comes to Breanna though, she has a habit that always reminds me of my sister which is funny since they don’t see each other very often due to Geography so it’s not something that she picked up from her aunt.

When Amanda was younger and going to school I vividly remember that my mother had a particular way of packing her lunch on certain days. My sister loved a ham and cheese sandwich. However, she didn’t care for it as an actual sandwich. My mom would pack a couple of slices of buttered bread, a few slices of deli ham, and a slice of cheese. All the pieces you need to make a ham and cheese sandwich, but they had to be packed separately.

Once it was lunch time, Amanda would then eat the individual pieces of her non-sandwich and she loved it. God forbid you actually built the sandwich for her though, because then she lost interest. It was a funny quirk and from what I remember it was only that particular sandwich that had to remain disassembled. Also, as far as I know she now eats all her sandwiches as actual, you know, sandwiches.

Fast forward many years (not too many, we’re not THAT old. Much. Yet.) and here we have Breanna. Breanna loves when we order Chinese food although in truth she mostly only wants the egg rolls. She’ll eat a few bites of other random things but the egg rolls are the main attraction and she’s been known to devour many of them in one sitting and then eat the leftovers for breakfast. I know.

Last night she wanted us to order Chinese but to be more budget-friendly we bought a box of frozen egg rolls and I just made those with some rice and vegetables. That was just as good as far as Breanna was concerned – more egg rolls for her!

Regardless of whether it’s take-out or frozen egg rolls, Breanna has a particular way of eating them. She won’t pick them up and eat them like your average person will. She bites the end off and then she essentially peels it. As she goes on through her meal she will eat the battered “peel” of the egg roll and then she eats the inside.

Essentially she’s eating the entire egg roll in one sitting, just not in one piece. It’s weird to me but she likes it that way and she doesn’t waste any of the food so I can’t complain. However, as I watched her eat one at lunch today it struck me that she’s just like my sister in that way, at least at a young age.

Kids are peculiar beings. I wonder if she’ll eat them that way forever or if she’ll eventually eat the whole thing at once.

(Then again I used to nibble the cheese off of my cheesies before eating the middle so what can I say? Maybe my family just breeds strange eaters?)

Did you have any weird eating habits as a kid?

This is exactly the kind of weekend that I like – we had plans but weren’t overly busy so it was a laid-back enjoyable day today. Tomorrow promises to be much of the same.

This morning I woke up at 8 am and realized that everyone else was still sound asleep out in the living room. It was the first time that Breanna had made it through the whole night for a living room camp-out. She usually wakes up around 3 am wanting to know where I am. However this time I actually had a chance to marvel that it was morning and I had not been poked awake by a small child needing to pee and then I even fell back to sleep for awhile. That was awesome.

After lunch we drove out to see my parents for the afternoon and Breanna opened up the present that they got her. My family knows how much Breanna loves dinosaurs and got her this little guy. I sometimes really despise battery-operated toys because they’re usually obnoxiously loud and take away from the chance to use your imagination but there are some that I do like. I definitely like this one. He chews on your finger (or a toy spoon, bottle, etc) and “eats”, then makes little cooing baby dinosaur sounds. No overkill and it’s really cute; she loves it.

Hayley and Breanna spent most of the visit trying to convince my parents’ cat to come out to play but unlike the first two cats my mom and dad owned, this one isn’t used to kids at all so she’s just not very interested in seeing two overly enthusiastic children who try to chase her around with toys. Alas.

It wasn’t cold out today but it was chilly by the time the sun started going down so we had a simple comfort food supper of grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. When I was a kid my mom sometimes made tuna or salmon sandwiches and a mix of tomato and celery soup on nights when my dad wasn’t going to be home for supper and I always loved soup and sandwiches as a comfort meal.

Tonight it’s all quiet. Both kids were tired because they didn’t go to sleep until well after ten last night. Meanwhile, George is out at a friend’s house so it’s just me (and the dog, but she’s not much for conversation). I’m taking advantage by watching a movie that I know doesn’t interest George in the least, a foreign film called Osama. It’s about a family in Afghanistan during the rise of the Taliban. The father dies and leaves behind a wife and 12-year-old daughter. Since the Taliban prohibits women from working the young girl cuts her hair short and disguises herself as a boy so that she can work to support herself and her mother.

As you may have noted in my reading material post, that’s the kind of movie that is right up my alley.

So on that note, I’m off to read subtitles and relax. Enjoy your Saturday!

(The pictures of Breanna on her birthday are over here. Unfortunately the quality is kind of ech because it was pouring rain outside, leaving practically no natural light to use. My external flash needs new batteries so I had to use the dreaded on-camera flash. Alas. But the subject matter makes them cute anyway!)

Four years ago today I went into a very fast, very short labour and in under four hours this little girl was born.

And somehow four years have passed and this morning when she woke me up to go pee and whispered that she didn’t want to go back to bed, I whispered back that it was okay because it was almost 9 am anyway and it was her birthday. She had forgotten about it despite being excited the night before. I reminded her that she’s four and she asked, “no more three?” No kiddo. No more three.

In four years she learned so much. She knows her numbers, her alphabet, countless songs, how to color inside the lines, how to play board games, and how to climb up everything at the park, among so many other things. She can turn on her (and Hayley’s) computer, log in, open Firefox, and navigate her way through the bookmarks of all their kid sites. Most recently she loves to help me make supper and has learned not only to assist me in adding ingredients and stirring them up, she can also crack her own eggs and scramble them at the stove (with direct supervision, obviously).

It’s hard to believe someone who couldn’t even hold up her own head this time four years can do so much now. Time flies.

She had a pretty good birthday. George and I gave her a Hungry Hungry Hippos game because she desperately wanted one, Hayley gave her a play tool set that she wanted, my sister sent a dinosaur playset (I’m not going to be surprised if she becomes a paleontologist one day), and she got a cute little outfit from George’s parents. We ordered pizza over there for supper and when we came home she had her birthday cake. Right now George and the kids are camping out in the living room after having had a movie night.

Tomorrow we’ll go see my parents and spend the afternoon over there and we’ll do her party in a couple of weeks since that will be the only time the majority of friends and family can make it.

I have many more pictures but my glass of wine and my book are calling. I’ll get to them while still trying to ponder how my little baby is a big four year old girl!

Repeated pretty much every Thursday night at 10 pm…

The scene: Grey’s Anatomy has just ended and George has walked into the living room to see if something he deems better might be on now.

George: Sigh. Stop crying.
Sherry: Sniff. SNIFF. I’m not. I have… a cold. And a lot of dust in my eye.

Funny how I get dust in my eye every Thursday night, isn’t it?

*******

Today Breanna asked me if we could go to the park for a picnic like we did back in July (even if it was short-lived thanks to the rain that came along). I had to gently break it to her that it’s now almost Winter and it’s far too cold to be sitting around having picnics in parks right now.

She was disappointed but I built her a fort and she was happy with that. Later in the afternoon I asked her if she wanted to come with me to walk the dog and she brightened up right away. After bundling her in a warm coat and a hat with the hood pulled up over it, we grabbed the dog and headed outside. Immediately she turned around in circles a few times and then looked up at me in confusion.

“Where’s the snow Mommy?” she asked with her eyebrow cocked at me. I explained that there wasn’t any snow yet, it was just cold. She was so annoyed with me for mentioning Winter when there wasn’t a single flake of snow to be seen. She cheered up quickly though, walking beside me and telling me all about how she was going to run and jump in the snow and make a ton of snow angels.

At one point she tipped her nose up into the air and said, “I can smell the snow! I think it’s coming soon!” And then she skipped along as she held my hand, smiling at the thought of all the snow she would roll around in as soon as possible.

I’m happy she’s happy. I’m just not happy at the thought of snow. Please don’t tell her, but as much as she wants to keep sniffing for snow, I’ll be spending just as much time crossing my fingers and hoping it holds off a few weeks longer.

Besides, the leaves are SO hard to find under 20 centimeters of snow.

A propos of nothing, these are the two photo poses sent home from the school for us to choose from for our Grade Two photo of Hayley this year.

I love them both – I’m so glad she really smiled big this year! – but we eventually decided to order a package of the photo on the right.

I woke up feeling a little bit surprised that it was Friday this morning and that the weekend was just around the corner. I guess I was a little thrown off by a couple of things, one being that it had been a four-day weekend so the week started on Tuesday. The other thing is that Hayley came down with some sort of bug and missed school on Thursday and Friday, so the whole week was just a big mess, logistically speaking.

I wasn’t able to send her to school because not only was she feeling under the weather, she also had a fever. I would be mildly concerned about H1N1 but she isn’t exhibiting any of the other common symptoms of the flu – besides, my kids get a fever with every illness. Still, fevers are not tolerated in schools at all right now because of concerns so there was no point. They just would have sent her back home as soon as it came back. Breanna’s been sniffly the past couple of days as well, so it’s just that season again.

The bummer about it is that friends of ours are having a birthday party for their daughter and son on Saturday but it’s looking like we won’t be able to make it. I don’t want to make anyone else sick, I don’t want the kids to be out if they’re feeling icky, and I don’t want them to get worse – especially Hayley since she’s missed two days of school for it. It’s too bad, I was really looking forward to it because it’s always a lot of fun, but hopefully we’ll see them soon. We’ll see how the kids are tomorrow and make a decision then.

On the other hand, it’s also George’s birthday on Saturday (old man!) so if the kids are still too sick to go, we’ll put them to bed and watch a movie together instead. I’m a little bit ticked off because we ordered a mic for George for his birthday (it’s not much of a surprise, he found it and asked me to order it since I have a PayPal account, but hey at least he gets exactly what he wants that way!) on September 30th and it still isn’t here. That’s totally ridiculous. I know it’s shipping from California but come on. It’s not like it was being brought here on foot.

According to the tracking info it only left the U.S. on the 7th, I don’t know why that took so long. And now it’s sitting in Montreal since the 13th but for some strange reason it hasn’t budged any closer to us. I know George is a big boy, it’s not quite the same as ordering something for a kid but still, it sucks to not have your birthday present ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, you know? From now on I’m only shopping from online retailers that use couriers because this postal service from the U.S. to Canada sucks.

(I was interested to learn that the tracking number doesn’t change after crossing the border so I was able to easily find the package on the Canada Post site too. That’s at least helpful. Having it sit there for three days, not so much.)

He looks pretty good for a senior citizen old guy birthday boy, doesn’t he?

Hayley’s school was supposed to have a movie night tonight but it was postponed until another to-be-determined date and she couldn’t have gone anyway, what with missing two days of school and all. To make up for it, I offered to do a movie night at home. I made popcorn and put it in the little popcorn containers that we have (they’re so cute), spread out a blanket on the floor, and put on a movie. Hayley chose some Star Trek for the evening’s entertainment. Clearly the geek apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

It’s not quite the same as hanging out in the school gym with all your friends while only barely paying attention to a movie, but it went over well anyway.

In the meantime, here’s hoping I can keep the germs at bay. I have two meetings next week and no time for being sick! Please pass the Lysol!

After spending most of July cursing the near-constant downpours which killed most of my flowers on the balcony by the way, summer finally woke up from its leisurely nap, raised its head, and sleepily drawled, “Oh hey, were you waiting for me? My bad.”

And the it whacked us with a ton of humidity. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to see the sun and the park after supper is very comfortable after a humid day but it was almost insane – there was no normal buildup, it was just *thunk* humid.

Ah well. We’ve spent some time at the park this week and that’s just been really bloody nice because the kids had gotten kind of stir crazy. Not that you can tell.

Last night was particularly nice. A husband and wife who own my favorite dog in the whole neighborhood showed up late in the evening and we got to pet the little guy. She even took his leash off and he ran around with us. He is ADORABLE.

Then another woman that I had seen but never met showed up with her three dogs and it was just mayhem – the good kind – with four happy dogs running around, not to mention my two equally happy kids. No one else was there so no one was bothered by them. Hayley was ecstatic because she got to hold the three dogs on their leashes (even though they didn’t really need to be held, they were happy to stay close by).

It’s something she can’t really do with Pearl, which is unfortunate. I’ve been working with that damn dog since last September and no training has ever put even the tiniest dent in all the genes bred into her that make her so desperate to sniff that she pulls over and over again. The Halti collar worked but Pearl CHEWED her regular collar; the Halti attaches to the regular flat collar for security reasons, so we can’t use it until we get around to buying a new one. Right now I walk Pearl using a choke collar and let me tell you, that stubborn Beagle does not give a hoot how many times you yank on that thing. Sometimes she sounds like she’s going to strangle herself when we’re walking.

So when Hayley got a chance to “walk” a whole herd of dogs around the park, she was beside herself with joy. Even Breanna got to walk one around.

It wasn’t an easy task convincing my kids to come home considering the dogs were still running around when it was time for us to head home to do snacks and bedtime.

Despite the humidity, I am so much happier now that the sun is making a semi-regular appearance and we can get out more often and for longer periods of time.

Between reading my book on park benches, zoning out while pushing swings, or just sitting in the grass, it makes for a more zen-like me, that’s for sure.

*******

In trademark stereotypical Canadian fashion, I also bitched about the weather letting us all down over on Canada Moms Blog, drop on by and feel free to comment with your own weather woes!